The Last Word on Flirting

Confession time. I love a good flirt. I love the playful exchange of banter, that lingering look of desire, those fluttering eyelashes, that playful exchange, the affectionate touch on the arm, the comment that forces me to want to read between the lines…*nudge nudge wink wink*

Flirting makes me feel good about my self. It builds my esteem. I remember one guy, after he had a playful exchange with a female stranger, said ‘I still got it!’ I wanted to ask ‘got what?’ But I knew what he meant. Flirting is good for my ego.

This post is about some reflections I’ve had on flirting. I’m not writing this because I’ve flirted with anyone or anyone has been flirting with me (just let me make that clear- this is not about you!) But for some time I’ve come to the conviction that flirting is sinful, even though I am the first to admit that I’m not innocent in this regard.

I suppose we should start with a definition of flirting. What do we mean by flirting? A good question. Because as we will see, that’s part of the problem with flirting. Its hard to know when someone is flirting with you. That’s why it is often asked ‘Are you flirting with me?’

For example, consider the following exchange between Boy and Girl (not their real names):

Boy: “Hey there, how have you been?”
Girl: “It was OK, but I missed you”
Boy (excited): “You did?”
Girl (breathing): “Yeah. I’ve been so lonely without you!”

How should Boy interpret this? He can think “OK, Girl really likes me!” But then he might actually say to Girl: “I get the impression you like me…well I want to say that I like you too!” But then Girl can turn around and say “Oh, I meant nothing by that! You read too much into it!”

Karl Barth says that flirting is ‘a playing with love undertaken as such in full awareness by both parties’. Flirting is a game that we play. And that is exactly the danger of flirting. Both parties do not always participate in full awareness of what is going on. Sometimes only one person is aware that flirtation is taking place, and the other party is left to interpret it. It’s a playing at love, but its left open to interpretation.

And because flirting is a game, it is safe but confusing. You can safely communicate to someone that you like them without actually embarrassing yourself. Its easy to hide behind a playful exchange or an innocent touch without actually communicating that you like her. The flirter is able to communicate in a very safe way that he is interested. The flirtee is left to interpret this playfulness, and can be left confused. And all this lies behind a flirter who in the end only wants to protect themselves from the hurt and pain that may come with speaking clear words. This is just another example of how self protective and fear-driven we truly are!

So flirting turns to avoidance and avoidance turns to silence. And silence is not golden. It is deadly, because silence kills relationships. The essence of a good relationship is clear words, not silence. We need to know where we stand with each other. Ambiguity and chaos are characteristic of this fallen world. In the words of Crabb: ‘Speaking is the gateway to relationship. Silence is the gatekeeper.’

This is the sin of flirting. It is a selfish act because it involves no vulnerability. As Barth says, ‘The danger of flirtation consists, of course, in the possibility of its turning into a deceitful trifling.’ Flirting is deceitful, for it happens behind the actions of ambiguous gestures. And we all know that deception is of the devil.

Imagine what it would be like if we had a God who flirted with us. Imagine if He only hinted at the fact He loved us. Imagine if His love was only a gesture that left us wondering.

I’m so glad that He has spoken clear words to us in the cross of Jesus, for there we see His unquestionable love for us. He doesn’t want us to be left in the dark about our intentions, His longings and his desires. He doesn’t flirt with us. His love for us is clear. And in case you are in the dark about his love for you, check out Romans 5:8! The words of love that come from our God are words of life (John 6:63)!

Now please don’t think that if you look at me funny or innocently touch my arm I will think you are flirting with me. Especially if you are a guy! And I know that you don’t just walk up to a girl and ask her to marry you the first time you speak to her. Don’t get me wrong- there is a place for flirting. But that place is within the security of a relationship where clear words are spoken. Otherwise it is unkind, uncaring, and in the end, deceitful. And that makes it sinful. Let me say it again- flirting must not end in flirting. It must end in clear words that give clear meaning to those ambiguous flirtatious gestures. Flirt with me, fine. But tell me you like me! The last word on flirting must be a clear word.

Clear enough?

The Wounds of a Friend

Tonight I was talking to a close friend of mine and he pointed out some home truths to me about myself. They are things I’ve known about myself but I don’t like. And to hear him articulate them was rather unsettling and a little scary.

It made me realise- after leading a Bible study tonight on the subject of 'thankfulness'- that trustworthy friends are something to be cherished. Having a friend who is courageous enough to point out things that no one else does is a thing to be treasured.

At first I just wanted to cut the conversation short and hang up. But then I realised ‘this is actually really good for me.’ I really valued my friend’s honesty tonight. The wounds of a faithful friend are precious. The hard part was letting my friend inside to say things to me that no one else can, when deep down inside, I was really quite terrified. But I can only grow and move forward in my relationship with Christ now.

I know that this friend accepts me for who I am- a fallen human being in Christ. But thank God that I am raised up with Christ and seated with him in the heavenly realms. I know I’m not perfect yet…but I’m getting there…and one day I will be what I am not now. In the meantime, I’m sure my friend will point out more of my faults. But I know he doesn’t judge me. He only means me good, not harm, even though it hurts. The way I look at it is, if your friends can’t and don’t help you grow in Christ, who will?

Mundane News??

To summarise the news as I saw it today: Andrew Johns swore (how many times must we go over this story?); the murderer of JonBenet Ramsay fessed up; and we are debating whether or not to include 3 more 'planets' in our solar system (or for that matter, discussing what exactly is a planet!)

I know these are all important issues (I remember feeling quite sad about the JonBenet murder when I first heard about it in '96), but I guess that the news will always reports murders... there will always be new planets to discover...and our sporting heroes will always swear.

The news is so mundane. Last Friday the front cover of the Sydney Morning Herald reported that our Olympic champion Thorpie had become a little fat. Really people, is this the most interesting news to report on?

The news might appear mundane lately, but the reality of life is this...we will ALL stand before the judgement seat of Christ. And only those washed in the blood of the Lamb will be found holy, blameless, and free from accusation. So are you in? Is this what occupies your thinking?

So tell me what matters. News never changes. Its always the same old same old. But Judgement Day changes everything. Maybe I've been spending too much time in Ecclesiastes lately. Maybe its late. Or maybe some things just get more sharply focused late at night...

Getting Old

On Sunday I was preaching from Ecclesiastes 12 and talking about growing old. I made a confession- I don't want to grow old. Im afraid of being feeble and helpless and not being able to do the things I do now.

Afterwards a older woman came up to me and said, 'Why are you afraid of growing old?'
'Well...I suppose its having the aches and pains and all that' I said.
'So what you are telling me David is that you are just a sooky!' was her reply.

I had no comeback.

Did Jesus Commit Suicide?

Did Jesus commit suicide? This was the question I got asked in school Scripture today as I was explaining the meaning of the Passover. As I told the kids that Jesus shed his blood for us (just as the Passover lamb did in the Exodus) one of the kids put up their hands and asked ‘does that mean Jesus committed suicide’?

I was stumped at first. I’ve never been asked that before. Suicide is when you willingly choose to end your life. And Jesus’ death was certainly voluntary.

Eventually I said that Jesus didn’t commit suicide because there was a point to his death- his death is like a husband who takes a bullet for his wife. That’s not suicide, that’s a sacrifice.

And come to think of it, my definition of suicide was flawed. Suicide is when the only and central intention of the act is the death of the individual. There are no other consequences in view. Jesus certainly doesn’t die in order to merely die. He dies so that the world might be saved.

Tonight at the Moore Annual lectures, Dr Gerald Bray said that the will Jesus had to live is seen most clearly in the Garden of Gethsemane, where he prays ‘not my will, but yours be done’. It’s an unnatural thing to want to die. Jesus was not suicidal- he wanted to live. (And not face the Father’s anger- but this wasn’t really fleshed out).

So there you have it- Jesus was not suicidal. His death, although intentional, saves people, and he had a will to live. That’s love. And that’s obedience.

Speaking of obedience- something else struck me from the lecture. Dr Bray said that the Christian life doesn’t get any easier- it gets harder. But that will have to be the subject of another post.

The Lost Art of Meditation

Our recent church 'Day Away' gave me the opportunity to reflect upon our use of the Bible.

I’ve been thinking lately about how there is a lost art to meditation. I don’t really take the time to meditate upon God’s Word. I read the Bible, I pray, but then I shut my Bible and go on with my routine. I should do some more meditating! But then I got to thinking about what this actually means. Does it mean sitting on a mountain top somewhere and emptying my mind of all but God’s Word? Or mulling it over and chewing the fat? Well, I found some answers in the very first Psalm (1:2):

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

The word meditate is translated from the Hebrew word hegeh. Hegeh actually means ‘muttering, musing or whispering’. Some kind of utterance that may be heard is involved. When the Psalmist says that the blessed man ‘mediates day and night’, he is calling upon us to mutter God’s word to ourselves!

In the Psalms, hegeh can refer to audible muttering. For example, in Psalm 35:28 the Psalmist says that ‘his tongue will speak (hegeh) of your righteousness’. That is, the same word for meditate can mean speaking with your tongue. Its an audible sound.

But hegeh doesn’t have to mean an audible utterance. Another example is in Psalm 77:12:

‘I will meditate (hegeh) on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.’

Here meditating is parallel to the quiet contemplation of considering the mighty deeds of God. It doesn’t necessarily involve a muttering that is heard.

Who mutters about God? Back in Psalm 1, the blessed man who delights in the law of the Lord mutters it. But there are another group of people who mutter about God. Consider the very next Psalm (2:1):

Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot (hegeh) in vain?

When you consider that Psalms 1 & 2 are supposed to be the introduction to the whole book of Psalms, the contrast couldn’t be starker. There are 2 ways to mutter about God. You can mutter to plot against God, and against his Anointed One. Or you can mutter about his divine Word. The choice is simple.

What do we mutter about? I find that the things that I mull over in my mind are the things that worry me. The things that occupy my thinking and ‘muttering’ are my own personal anxieties. But then I stop there. I don’t go on to mutter in light of God’s Word. I need to allow God’s word to speak to me in my troubles. Martin Lloyd Jones, in his book Spiritual Depression, puts it like this:
‘The main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: ‘Why are you cast down’- what business have you to be disquieted? You must turn on yourself…and say to yourself: ‘Hope thou in God’- instead of muttering in this depressed unhappy way. And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged himself to do.’

I think he has understood the lost art of meditation.

So folks- mull over your thoughts and worries. Mutter to yourself! But DON’T stop there- take the next step of thinking about what God’s Word says to your worries. Give yourself a talking to! Mutter to yourself what God’s Word says about the things you worry about! Preach to yourself. Allow the living and active Word of God to speak to your heart. God’s Word is a provision he has given us to allow us to ‘cast all our anxiety on him’ (1 Peter 5:7).