The Last Word on Flirting

Confession time. I love a good flirt. I love the playful exchange of banter, that lingering look of desire, those fluttering eyelashes, that playful exchange, the affectionate touch on the arm, the comment that forces me to want to read between the lines…*nudge nudge wink wink*

Flirting makes me feel good about my self. It builds my esteem. I remember one guy, after he had a playful exchange with a female stranger, said ‘I still got it!’ I wanted to ask ‘got what?’ But I knew what he meant. Flirting is good for my ego.

This post is about some reflections I’ve had on flirting. I’m not writing this because I’ve flirted with anyone or anyone has been flirting with me (just let me make that clear- this is not about you!) But for some time I’ve come to the conviction that flirting is sinful, even though I am the first to admit that I’m not innocent in this regard.

I suppose we should start with a definition of flirting. What do we mean by flirting? A good question. Because as we will see, that’s part of the problem with flirting. Its hard to know when someone is flirting with you. That’s why it is often asked ‘Are you flirting with me?’

For example, consider the following exchange between Boy and Girl (not their real names):

Boy: “Hey there, how have you been?”
Girl: “It was OK, but I missed you”
Boy (excited): “You did?”
Girl (breathing): “Yeah. I’ve been so lonely without you!”

How should Boy interpret this? He can think “OK, Girl really likes me!” But then he might actually say to Girl: “I get the impression you like me…well I want to say that I like you too!” But then Girl can turn around and say “Oh, I meant nothing by that! You read too much into it!”

Karl Barth says that flirting is ‘a playing with love undertaken as such in full awareness by both parties’. Flirting is a game that we play. And that is exactly the danger of flirting. Both parties do not always participate in full awareness of what is going on. Sometimes only one person is aware that flirtation is taking place, and the other party is left to interpret it. It’s a playing at love, but its left open to interpretation.

And because flirting is a game, it is safe but confusing. You can safely communicate to someone that you like them without actually embarrassing yourself. Its easy to hide behind a playful exchange or an innocent touch without actually communicating that you like her. The flirter is able to communicate in a very safe way that he is interested. The flirtee is left to interpret this playfulness, and can be left confused. And all this lies behind a flirter who in the end only wants to protect themselves from the hurt and pain that may come with speaking clear words. This is just another example of how self protective and fear-driven we truly are!

So flirting turns to avoidance and avoidance turns to silence. And silence is not golden. It is deadly, because silence kills relationships. The essence of a good relationship is clear words, not silence. We need to know where we stand with each other. Ambiguity and chaos are characteristic of this fallen world. In the words of Crabb: ‘Speaking is the gateway to relationship. Silence is the gatekeeper.’

This is the sin of flirting. It is a selfish act because it involves no vulnerability. As Barth says, ‘The danger of flirtation consists, of course, in the possibility of its turning into a deceitful trifling.’ Flirting is deceitful, for it happens behind the actions of ambiguous gestures. And we all know that deception is of the devil.

Imagine what it would be like if we had a God who flirted with us. Imagine if He only hinted at the fact He loved us. Imagine if His love was only a gesture that left us wondering.

I’m so glad that He has spoken clear words to us in the cross of Jesus, for there we see His unquestionable love for us. He doesn’t want us to be left in the dark about our intentions, His longings and his desires. He doesn’t flirt with us. His love for us is clear. And in case you are in the dark about his love for you, check out Romans 5:8! The words of love that come from our God are words of life (John 6:63)!

Now please don’t think that if you look at me funny or innocently touch my arm I will think you are flirting with me. Especially if you are a guy! And I know that you don’t just walk up to a girl and ask her to marry you the first time you speak to her. Don’t get me wrong- there is a place for flirting. But that place is within the security of a relationship where clear words are spoken. Otherwise it is unkind, uncaring, and in the end, deceitful. And that makes it sinful. Let me say it again- flirting must not end in flirting. It must end in clear words that give clear meaning to those ambiguous flirtatious gestures. Flirt with me, fine. But tell me you like me! The last word on flirting must be a clear word.

Clear enough?